How do you know it's time?

twetifb: Hi everyone…I new here so please be nice! J My situation isn’t all that unique…I met my husband 6 ½ years ago, we dated, broke up, found each other couple years later, moved in together, got married only 8 months, and now facing divorce. I’m lucky because I have an unbelievable amount of support from my family and friends. Problem is, I feel awkward. I’ve never been able to put myself first in a relationship and all of a sudden I feel like I’m drowning. I haven’t come out and asked for a divorce yet but the words are on the tip o my tongue all the time. We have lost so much of what was “us”. Don’t get me wrong, there are still things that we enjoy doing together but everything is always strained. We can barely have a civilized conversation &/or be in the same room for more than a couple of minutes. None of this is new, we started have problems about 5 months before our wedding but he blamed it on my being a “bridezilla” and I just pulled away more and more. In fact in the last year I have pulled away so much that I’ve lost me! I have no idea who I am anymore. He is constantly telling me how I’ve changed and how I use to be nice and now I’m so unhappy. Though when I ask him to support me, he doesn’t have time or the energy. I feel as I am in a destructive relationship and the only way for both of us to remain sane is to get out! Now here comes the kicker…my husband suffers from depression and I have been “taking care” of him for 4 years. I am the person who talks to the doctors, makes sure he takes his meds, guards his secrets, and finds him when he’s tried to commit suicide. I know this all sounds pathetic but my mom & dad always said they thought that I’d find someone who I could take care of when because I it was in me to be motherly. But in reality all I really wanted is someone for once to take care of me and didn’t know that it wouldn’t come as response to the care I provided. So know I face a crossroad…I’m 25, married, and contemplating divorce...how do I know when it’s the right time?

I’m sorry if this makes no sense…I’m just venting…I’m very lost and confused right now.

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Beren: Make sure you understand what it is you're seeking here. Are you asking for a way to make your marriage happy again (or, for the first time, if you can't remember a happy time), or are you asking for permission to leave? My observation is that when one has that mindset, she typically starts sorting through her memories, uses the worst memories as "evidence," and slowly forgets all the good things. It's inevitable that she'll eventually decide that the marriage is truly beyond hope.

I'm not saying that your marriage isn't bad, just that you're probably focusing on the negatives and reinforcing them continually. Still, the fact that you're here asking questions means that the part of you that still wants to save the marriage isn't dead yet. So that's the part of you I'll address for the remainder of this post. (The other part of you doesn't need any help. It already has the upper hand.)

I'll speak from my own experience. I'm a man who is being divorced, and the things you're saying aren't so far off from what my wife told me. The feelings, I mean, not the details of what he's been doing vs. what I was supposedly doing. The feelings you're experiencing seem very similar to my wife's. I've done a ton of reading and soul searching and listening to other people's stories; you're right when you say your situation isn't all that unique. It happens all the time.

I think perhaps guilt is the thing that's gnawing away at you the most, and it's highly destructive. I'm not the sort to say that if millions of people feel a certain way, then it must be right, but I will say it must be normal. Give yourself permission to be normal. Throw away the guilt. If guilt is what's holding you back from divorce, the result is going to be that you'll keep looking for more and more evidence that the marriage is bad. When you finally build up enough discontent to topple the wall of guilt, your husband is going to have a 50-foot wave of your anger come crashing down on him, and he probably won't have even seen it coming. Divorce if you must, but don't do it that way. Ditch the guilt.

If you want to save the marriage, you're going to have to change your course immediately. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving him an ultimatum. One of my wife's complaints was that I wouldn't make certain changes until I was faced with an ultimatum. But men are really bad sometimes at reading their wives and prioritizing their wives' needs. It may be a failing, but it's still very normal. Give your husband permission to be normal. If he needs an ultimatum to finally understand what you need, give it to him. If he doesn't believe you, start preparing to divorce, and let him know you're doing it. He'll get the message. Set it in your mind to not pull the "too little, too late" trick when he's finally motivated. The purpose of the ultimatum isn't to kick him in the balls as hard as you can. It's to get him to change so you can stay married to him. If giving him an ultimatum "poisons" the changes he makes, don't bother with the ultimatum. Just get a divorce.

A bit more advice on the ultimatum. Don't do it angrily or bitterly. Be very matter-of-fact about it. This is what I absolutely need from you in order for me to be willing to stay married. Heck, it might go over even better if you add, I want to stay married, so I hope you'll be willing to do this for me. Men like that sort of thing. It makes them feel like they're part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

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